Saturday, September 14, 2013

I Just Don't Get It...

As I have admitted time and time again via this blog, I am a words woman.  I love words.  I love vocabulary.  I think using a thesaurus is fun.  Scrabble makes me smile.  Reading brings me happiness.  I just love words.  I can write for hours.  Now, sadly, speaking on the other hand, is not my forte.  That's when I trip and stumble over words...or my brain completely freezes and I have no words anywhere.  I digress...as I was saying I just love words.

Every once in awhile, I come across a word I don't recognize.  I look it up.  Then, I try to use it in a sentence at some point during the day.  (This has proven most interesting when reading Tolkien or C.S. Lewis...they love some flowery language).  Recently, I have come in contact with two words I completely don't understand...pursue and cherish.  Neither of these are difficult words, but they have not been applicable words in my life.  In my head, these are fairytale words.

I have a mentor, of sorts, right now, who I meet with on a semi-regular basis.  This person has been one of my greatest advocates and encouragers over these past 8 months.  Through this very tumultuous season, this person has offered support, accountability, and wisdom.  Just a few days ago, we had a conversation about my future.  This person said that they hoped I would know what it means to be cherished; and that I would be pursued by someone who knows me, knows my package, and wants me still.  That conversation shook me up, because I realized I did not have any idea what either of those words meant.  They were just empty sounds with no meaning or context.  So, I did what I do...I went to the trusty dictionary, and here is what I found:

Cherish- (love, adore)
a :  to hold dear :  feel or show affection for
b :  to keep or cultivate with care and affection :  nurture
:  to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely 
 
Pursue- (chase, follow, run, track, trail)
a :  to engage in
b :  to follow up or proceed with
:  2chase 
(Definitions from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary)

Ok, so I have to tell you, reading the definitions didn't really help me all that much or give me great comfort that this is what my mentor wants for me.  Being a realist on a good day, and a cynic on a bad day, the idea of being cherished seems far-fetched.  I think that I am capable of cherishing another person...I can be affectionate (although it does take a conscious effort).  I am naturally nurturing.  But, for some reason, I cannot imagine another person cherishing me.  I just don't get it.  When I hear "cherish", I hear that song...Barry Manilow and The Association sang...and it makes me gag.  Really?  Cherish is the word you're going to chose to sing about Barry...really?  I don't buy it.

Pursue...is it just me or does that sound scary?  You want someone to chase me?  Um, pass.  Because if someone is chasing me, there is a very good chance that I'll be running as hard as I can the other way.  That is really my only incentive to ever run is because someone bigger, stronger, and scarier is coming at me with the intent to hurt me.  Now, there is a chance that my mentor is hoping I'll disappear off the face of the earth.  But, I don't think that's their hope for me being pursued.  Again, this is a stretch for a realist, but it seems the idea of pursuing someone is to learn about them, show them your interest, and to reach out to get to know them better.  Coming out of a very painful and deeply hurtful season, the thought of being pursued by someone who wants to get to know me better is just as as scary as being chased by a big, crazy person.  It seems the risk for more hurt is very high.

I obviously have a long way to go in understanding healthy relationships.  I have a lot of learning to do.  I have much pain and hurt to overcome.  I have to constantly fight my cynical nature.  I doubt I'll ever lose my realistic edge, and I'm perfectly fine with that.  Even now as I re-read these definitions and try to apply them to my way of thinking, I'm still lost.  It's like there is some kind of mental block in my brain.  Hmmmm...looks like I'm going to have to figure out a different way to learn how to use these words...say a prayer, and stay tuned.  In the mean time, I'm going to lace up my running shoes and be prepared for anyone who has the notion to chase me...

1 comment:

  1. One of the best ways to learn the definition of a word is to use it. In this case, I think, actual use, not just using them in a sentence.

    What better place to cherish or pursue, but in your relationship with God...since He cherishes you and pursues you and seeks that in return. I find that the healthier my relationship is with God, the healthier I am in my relationship with myself, and others too.

    Ask Him to help you...He'll love it!

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