Saturday, December 7, 2013

Ease on Down the Road...

For some reason (naivete, oblivion, ignorance, I don't know what) I really thought that at this point in the year, things would be a little bit easier.  I thought that the kiddos and I would have figured out a new rhythm.  I assumed we would be a little less stressed, a little less tired, and a little bit more normal.  I could not be more wrong.  October was hard.  November was ridiculous.  And December is off to a bumpy start.
 
While some aspects of our life have maintained some normalcy and fewer still have gotten better, this path definitely has not become any easier.  The kiddos and I are growing closer to one another, and for that I am so very grateful.  I will say my faith is growing.  I completely trust that God has a greater, bigger plan that I cannot see.  I do know that I am so much happier and joy-filled than I have been in years.  There are great and wonderful things happening in our lives.  I am extremely excited to see where this road will lead my amazing kiddos and myself.

In the meantime, while I am trusting and working on my patience and building my faith, I am still very human.  Lately, I have daily been struggling with the remembrance of being rejected.  I don't know that I have experienced anything else in my life that has been so difficult to battle.  With rejection comes humiliation, isolation, and desperate loneliness.  Even though I have incredible family and friends, there are days, nights, and sometimes weeks where I feel overwhelmed with loneliness.  I feel like I am working so hard to be strong and to grow.  I am trying to remain full of integrity.  But, sometimes, I feel like there are more challenges than rewards.  I know that is petty and selfish...and that's the human part of me...I am hoping to get a break.  Please don't read this as me having a pity party...believe me, I am so aware of God's hand in my life and can testify to great things He has done and is doing in me.  I think I am just plain ol' worn out.  I am tired and painfully aware of my aloneness.

While hope is not high on my list right now, and I daily battle becoming a bigger cynic, I still KNOW that God is greater than all of this.  My pain, my hurt, my loneliness is nothing compared to His sacrifice.  My struggles are temporary.  His faith and love are eternal.  My pettiness is part of my sinful nature.  His forgiveness and grace are ever present in my life. 

I don't know if there is any point to this particular piece other than to declutter my mind in hopes of getting sleep tonight.  I am so glad that God sees the big picture.  I am so thankful to know He is holding my kids and me right in the palm of His hand.  I am grateful to have the peace that passes all understanding.  However, I am still heavy-hearted, sad, disappointed, and hurt.  I know there is not a quick-fix to the condition of my heart.  I know that divorce has long-term consequences.  Being set aside and replaced, even if it is for the best, is still such a heart-wrenching, mind-altering experience.  I am having to reevaluate my life and who I am.  I am trying very hard to see myself through God's eyes and through the eyes of those who love me.  But, for some reason, the doubts and fears that have come from this rejection are trumping all of my efforts.  I know that is the work of Satan. 

I am a child of the King.  I am redeemed.  I am a joint heir with Christ.  I am a princess.  I have value.  I have worth.  I have something to offer.  I am special.  My head knows all of this.  My heart knows it, too.  I just need to two of them to reconnect.   I am very thankful that He isn't finished with me, and that I am a work in progress.  Be patient with me, friends.  While others had plans to hurt me, God has a plan to let me shine...I just have to fight the fight to get there!  All I know is I'm ready for my kiddos and me to be able to ease on down the road a bit...


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