Tuesday, December 17, 2013

There is nothing worse than...

Any of you could finish this statement with a word that hits home for you and has been relevant in your life.  There is nothing worse than...
  • fear
  • loneliness
  • doubt
  • poverty
  • Family Matters reruns...
The list could go on and on.  For me, in my life, during this time, there is nothing worse than rejection.  There is nothing more damaging than being made to feel of no value or worth.  There is nothing more painful than being thrown away and given up on.  Rejection...oh, how it burns.

My sweet daughter is sharing this burden with me right now.  She is battling the feelings of rejection that come with being a child of divorce.  It breaks my heart to see her pain, to hear her hurt.  This evening, we spent two hours talking through what she is feeling.  In every sentence, I could hear rejection.  She feels unloved, unloveable, replaced, unimportant.  I used every bit of strength I had in me to keep my wits about me and to remind her that she is very loved and loveable.  I reminded her that she is of great importance, that she matters.  I told her that even when it feels like she may have been replaced, she wasn't.  I reminded her that while people may hurt, disappoint, and leave us, there is One who will not EVER leave her.  I promised her that good things are coming our way because we have been walking with the Lord.  I told her of His promises throughout Scripture that tell of His great, unending, unconditional, never-changing love.  I spoke to her of the love I have for her; and, I told her that the only way I would leave is if Jesus comes back or takes me home.  I am her Mama forever.  I  summoned every drop of grace in me to tell her that her Dad loves her, too, and that would never change.  But, how can you explain the complexities of what brought a divorce around to a 10 year-old and not further hurt her?

While I was talking with my amazing young lady, I realized I was in need of hearing those words myself.  In all my ups and downs, through the daily struggles, on good days and especially on bad ones, rejection has been the battle I can't win.  When all is quiet, and I am alone, my mind will wander to a sad place.  I relive the desolation that accompanies being rejected.  I hear the enemy whisper in my mind that I am of no value, that I am easy to replace, that I am worthless, that I am unimportant, that I am unloved and unloveable.  I revisit memories that established those thoughts in my head.  I analyze the past.  I replay every conversation.  I establish in my mind and heart that I am nothing...that I am no one.  Even as time wears on, and I begin to prepare for my future, I know my biggest obstacle with any other person will be the fear of being rejected again.  Honestly, at this point, my heart could not take it.  The battle with rejection (and all the other products that follow it--replaceable, unworthy, unattractive, useless, unloved, alone) has beaten me up and left me very damaged.

The words I shared with my daughter were true.  There are truths in God's Word that will sustain my children and me.  The prayers of the saints help me fight my battles.  I completely believe that God is going to deliver us from this chaotic life, and bless us with one that is probably just as crazy, but full of hope and happiness.  While my head knows the Scriptures and believes that God will deliver on His promises, my heart is still trying to heal from being abused.  Sometimes the words I share with my kids are hard for me to say...sometimes I feel they are hollow.  What gives me great hope is that it's ok for me to struggle.  It is alright that I can't grasp the concept of God's provision.  He knows me; He sees my damaged mind and my broken heart.  What better time for Him for show up and show out than when I am at a low and unable to bring myself up.  I can't wait to see how He does just that for my babies and me.

The truth of the matter is, whatever ends your "there is nothing worse than..." statement, God is bigger.  He is stronger.  He has allowed the chaos in your life for a reason.  You were designed with a purpose.  You were created to be the person only you can be.  You are unique.  You are completely irreplaceable.  There is a plan for your life that only you can fulfill.  You are loved.  You are important.  You are wonderfully made.  You are His workmanship.  He cares more for you than any other things He has created.  You are a gift.  You are more valuable than any treasure.  Don't believe me?  Pull out your Bible (if you don't have one, let me know...in the mean time, Google) and look up all the verses about God's love.  They are many.  His love is big enough to take care of you.  His love knows no end.  His love is available especially for you...never forget that.  The same God who spoke the world into existence, who designed how many spots are on each lady bugs back, who set the starts in the sky, who purposefully planned where every plant should grow, who has the creativity to create jellyfish and giraffes, that same God LOVES you and made you for a purpose.  Do not let the hurts caused by other sinful, messed up, hurting people to cause you pain.  Lean on the One who wants to hold you up.  He will never leave you...He will not reject you.

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