Monday, December 9, 2013

You May Call Me Stubborn...I Prefer Independent

I may be stubborn, or as some have recently told me, I may be bull-headed.  I prefer to think of this quality as independence.  I think of it as proving to others and to myself that I can do things...that I can handle what life is throwing at me.  I think it is fair to say (and I think my Mama and siblings would back me up on this), stubbornness would not be one of my top 5 personality identifiers in my past.  However, this streak to show the world that I am competent and capable is growing uncontrollably. 

When my life began to change at the beginning of this year, and I was ready to fall apart and give up, I made a decision to toughen up.  I was not going to let my circumstances dictate who I was.  I began to learn how to budget the expenses of living life with 3 people.  I began to take charge of aspects of my life I had neglected.  I started reading more and researching topics that mattered to me.  I chose to invest more time in prayer and reading the Bible.  I decided to plan to have more interactive time with my children.  All of these were great things! 

With this stubbornness has also come some unflattering flaws.  God has blessed me with some great men in my life who want to help me, take care of me, and protect me.  I have found myself almost snapping their heads off of their body when they offer to open a door, carry a box, or walk me to my truck after dark.  I have said hurtful things and made many sarcastic remarks to these men who have done nothing but attempted to help make my burden lighter.  The ladies in my life have also been targets for my independent living.  I have had friends offer to cook dinner or take care of the kids, and my response has been "I've got this". 

The truth is, I don't have "this" at all.  I am a complete mess.  I have felt so isolated and rejected by one person that I have allowed the negative emotions to pour over into other parts of my life.  I have been acting out to my friends and family over the hurt caused by someone else.  I have begged God for relief and assistance, then bucked the offers that are given to me.  What is the matter with me?  I'll tell you what...I am human.  I am a sinful, messed up, selfish person.  I have allowed the hurts in my heart to cause hang ups in my attitude.  I have let the anger I have felt towards one person work its way into my friendships.  I have had people want to help, and I have warded them away with my pigheaded sarcasm.

All that to say, I am so sorry, friends.  I am sorry for asking God for help then refusing you when you have answered His call to help.  I am sorry for taking such a stand to be stubborn that I have missed opportunities to let people love on me.  I am working on the balance of being independent and not being, bear with me. 

My personal sinful battle right now is that of pride...of wanting to show everyone that I can take care of myself and my children.  The truth?  Obviously I can't do that.  On my own, in my own strength, I will fail...miserably.  However, I am so blessed to be a daughter of the King.  The One who made me and knows me loves me in spite of my sin.  In fact, He loved me so much that He sent His one and only Son to die to take away my sins.  Oh, how grateful I am for that sacrifice.  How necessary is His grace in my life.  My pride and sins should condemn me.  But, because of His great love, I can confess my sins, ask for forgiveness, then He discards those sins, never to be brought up again.  Now, I know that I am going to sin the moment my eyes pop open in the morning (usually due to the fact of my alarm going off when I have only gone to sleep 2 hours before...this brings some pretty sinful thoughts to mind), but I also know that when that sin resurfaces and when I pay attention to the conviction that follows, I can lay my sins before God, and He'll take care of them.  I can also ask Him to keep working on keep changing keep growing keep molding me into the lady He wants me to be.  I know my prideful heart and stubborn head are going to land me in trouble if I don't turn them over to God matter how much I argue with Him, He's going to win, so I may as well give it up now!

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