Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I Don't Deserve This...

How many times have you looked at the circumstances of your life and said "I don't deserve this?".  Have you ever rated your wrong doings against others?  You know what I mean..."I don't drink like so-and-so...I've never gotten a ticket...It's not like I beat my kids or scream at my spouse...I'm not doing anything that bad...".  If you are anything like me, you have been trapped by those thoughts every now and again.  Or, have you been encompassed by circumstances that make no sense to you?  "How did I end up here?  What did I do wrong?  Why me?..".  Oh, my goodness, it is so easy to let those thoughts overtake your mind.

Over the course of this past year, I have had moments of "how is this my life?".  I have had evenings where I ponder over every sin I can think of and think maybe this year was a consequence of poor choices of my youth.  When I would get low and depressed, I would have conversations at (note at, not with) the Lord asking why He had let me go through this.  In my moments of self-pity, I was certain I had earned every horrible thing that was happening.  You know what, in a sense, I was right.  I absolutely deserve terrible things.  I am sinner.  I am a messed up person.  Every hour of every day, I do something wrong...sure, others may not be aware of my sin, but it's happening.  I struggle with evil thoughts.  I battle insecurities and allow my doubts to take precedent of my thoughts.  I do not always do my best or give my all.  I grumble internally.  I lose my temper with my children.  I use "creative language" when I have angry outbursts...and even if the outbursts are in my head, the word choices would have my Mama wash my mouth and mind out with soap.  Sure, I haven't beaten anyone up, murdered, cheated, or been involved in any major public sinning.  Here's the thing, sin is sin whether everyone knows about it, or I'm the only one who knows.  And, according to the Bible, that sin condemns me.  In Romans 3:23, the Word says "All have sinned...", so I know I'm in good company, right?  Romans 6:23 says, "the wages of sin is death...".  Therefore, I'm a sinner, I deserve death.

BUT, something absolutely wonderful happened that redeemed me.  God sent His one and only Son, Jesus to die on the cross for my wrongdoing.  Jesus willingly gave His life, God willingly gave His Son to pay the price for my sin...for my temper, my terrible thoughts, my every sin.  When Jesus gave His life for mine, He took away my sin.  While I battle the memories of my past sin, God doesn't.  Psalm 103:12 tells us, "as far as the east is from the west, so far He has moved our sins from us."  All I had to do was admit that I was a sinner, believe that He died for me, ask for His forgiveness, and commit my life to Him.  I made those choices when I was 6 years old.  I am so grateful for the gifts of salvation, mercy and grace.  While I did not understand all of the theological implications of salvation when I was 6, I absolutely felt conviction of every sin my 6 year-old heart and mind was capable of.  As I grew up, made good and poor choices, I learned more of God's forgiveness, His grace, His mercy, and His redemption.

Right now, I'm in an awesome place.  Truly, I have never felt more undeserving, but in a great way.  In my former life, birthdays weren't always a big deal...honestly, most of the years, they were forgotten by the one person who I would have thought would care the most.  Don't get my wrong, my friends and parents always delivered...I've never been neglected by my faithful friends.  For some reason, this year I was dreading my birthday.  I had no desire for any acknowledgement.  With all of the chaos going on right now, I really though gracefully passing over that day on the calendar would be the best thing.  HOWEVER, God has placed so many AMAZING people in my life that I can confidently say this has already been the best birthday I have ever had (with the exception of the year I was at EPCOT on my birthday), and my birthday isn't even happening until Saturday!  This past Sunday, I went to church and had goodies given to me by two of my most faithful, giving, and loving volunteers...these were personal gifts that a lot of thought and effort had gone into.  I was so humbled and overwhelmed.  I stood in the hallway at church and cried and hugged these sweet ladies.  Monday, I went to my Connect Group after an extremely hard day.  To my great surprise, I was served a Mickey Mouse birthday cake, received one of the sweetest cards I have ever read, had a beautiful piece of art made by one of my favorite preschoolers, a Dunkin Donuts gift card (food may be my love language), and a t-shirt from friends who totally get me.  Again, I was astonished and humbled.  I've heard rumors that there are more surprises coming...and, here is all I have to say...I don't deserve this.

I do not deserve the love and attention that is being lavished on me by these incredible people.  I don't get it.  I do know that these sweet friends and family have Jesus in their hearts.  They have accepted the same gift of salvation that I did.  They are acting as God has instructed them.  They are being instruments of His love.  I am currently in a constant state of humility...I am so messed up.  I don't understand God and His great love.  I don't understand the love for me from His people.  I have never been happier...and I do know that is straight from God and His people.  Even with the knowledge of God and His love, I still have to say, I absolutely, positively, 100% do not deserve what He has given me...but, I am so very thankful!

1 comment:

  1. Wonderful message. You are a beautiful person and are so talented expressing your thoughts.