What Are You Good For?

In our homeschooling day, I used the Magic Tree House series to put together unit studies for my kiddos.  Each book takes the main characters, Jack and Annie, through time to visit different places.  They travel to prehistoric times, to China, to Egypt, to England and all over where they meet fascinating people and complete clever tasks.  I have always enjoyed reading this series with my children and with the children I have worked with in classroom settings.  My two have definitely aged out of the series, but I hold on to my complete set so that I can keep the stories filled with both non-fiction and fiction, fact and fantasy, reality and imagination to share with the kiddos that continue to come into my life.

In one of the books, Leprechaun in Late Winter, Jack and Annie travel to Ireland where they are mistaken for servants in the house of a wealthy family where a young lady with a major attitude resides.  The young lady is appalled at the sight of the children.  She asks them what their skills for housekeeping and farming are in order to see if they are an appropriate fit to work in her family’s home.  At one point she asks Jack and Annie, “what are you good for?”  The last time I read this book was over four years ago, but that line, that question always stuck with me.  In this season in my life, I keep asking myself that same question over and over.  What am I good for?

I think we all go through valleys in our lives where we question ourselves.  We question what we stand for.  We question what we believe.  We question why we are here.  We question what’s the point of it all.  We question what purpose we have. 

There has never been a time in my life where I thought I had it all figured out.  Never.  I have always had some insecurity circling in my mind, some doubt residing in my heart.  I look at my track record, and I am honestly surprised I have made it this far in my life.  I look at the teen girls in our home and am painfully aware of where I was at each of their ages: at 13 desiring to be the smartest and prettiest; at 14 longing for attention from young men, and being only a year away from willingly giving away my purity; at 19 giving up a full scholarship to college to get married.  And, those are only highlights.  I have considered over and over again my first marriage and the contributions I made to it falling apart.  I have looked at the friendships I have lost or given up on.  I analyze my decisions for the jobs I have had.  I reflect on the current challenges of being a wife for a second time and obsessing on not making the same mistakes twice, of being submissive and full of grace while learning to not be a doormat, of wanting to model to my girls the way to be a strong yet gentle lady.  I go over every mistake I’ve made as a parent.  How many times have I lost my temper?  I can count the instances where I used sarcasm instead of patience in dealing with my children.  And, step-parenting…I can’t even begin to put into words how that weighs on my mind.  I look at my score, and I label myself a disaster.

Currently, I am in a spiritual and emotional valley.  My mind is heavy-laden with questions about my existence, my choices, my circumstances.  I fight with myself to get sleep, just to wake up in the middle of the night in tears over the dreams in my head coming from the anxieties of my mind.  I am battling my old-self.  I am struggling with where I fit in.  The sins I have fought against my whole life are resurfacing.  My selfish nature wants answers now!  My controlling spirit wants a plan.  My heart longs for peace.  I ache for rest.  I am going around and around with myself trying to determine what I’m good for. 

Because of my faith in God, in His Son Jesus, and in His Word, I am not alone in this valley.  While often I feel completely isolated in life, I am extremely aware that it is because I cut myself off.  I detach from the God who loves me.  I build up fast, hard walls against people to protect myself from further hurt.  I opt for solitude over fellowship.  This is my sinful, selfish nature at work.  BUT, I do believe several things.  Primarily, I believe that God created me with a delicate design and that He instilled a purpose in my heart that only I can fulfill.  I completely believe that God loved me (and loves me) so much that He sent His One and Only Son to take the punishments I deserved for my life saturated in sin.  I don’t fully understand this love.  I don’t understand how anyone could love me unconditionally.  I don’t understand how a parent could sacrifice a child for the greatest of sinners.  I don’t have all of the theological answers that I know many of my friends want to have.  I have a simple faith, the faith of a child.  (However, if you read this and do have questions that are faith-related, I am blessed to have many great scholars of theology in my life, and I would love to connect you to one of them). 

I spend much time in God’s Word.  ESPECIALLY when I am in the valley.  When I am wading through the mire of my mind, I read and read and read.  When I am on the mountaintop, I read and read and read for when I tumble back to the valley.  Being in the Bible is the one tangible thing that holds me up.  Isaiah 46:3-4 says, “Listen to me…you whom I have upheld since your birth, and have carried since you were born.  Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am He.  I am He who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you”.  The same chapter goes on to say in verses 10-11, “I say, “My purpose will stand…what I have planned, I will do.”  The book of Psalms is one of my favorite books when I am struggling.  In Psalm 71:20, the author says, “Though you have made me seen troubles, many and bitter you will restore my life again…you will bring me up.  You will increase my honor and comfort once more.”  I know I struggle with wanting to be in control of the circumstances of my life.  I want a plan, all of the time.  Here’s what the Bible says to that-“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” (Proverbs 19:21).  Since I am a believer in Jesus and the Bible, there are words written for me to help me hold on.  Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.”  That’s the key…it’s not about my plan or purpose; it’s about His plan and purpose for me.  My job is to “continue to work out [my] salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in me to will to act in order to fulfill His good and perfect will” (Philippians 2:12-13).  The heart of the issue is my heart.  I am focused on my failures, my unanswered questions, my uncertainty and my insecurity.  What I need to be doing is redirecting my thoughts to align with His thoughts, and I can do that by spending time in the Bible, in prayer, in Christian fellowship, and under sound Biblical teaching.  I am taking those steps, but because I am human and very imperfect, it’s not an easy path…it’s actually heart-wrenching, but I am counting on God to bring me peace and guidance through taking the necessary steps.

I write all of this for two reasons.  1) If you are struggling with questions—why am I here?  What is my purpose in life?  Why do I keep making the same mistakes?  Why can’t I hear from God?  What am I good for?—I want you to know you are not alone…believer or non-believer.  I would love to know if you are hurting so I can pray for you.  If you are anything like me, you may want to be active in climbing out of the valley.  I encourage you to reach out to someone you love and trust who can encourage you and climb beside you.  If you aren’t currently in a church or faith-based small group, look for one and plug in.  The fellowship of believers is healing.  Pray—even if you think your words are bouncing off of the moon and back to you.  If you can’t say your prayers, write them down.  Read, read, read the Scriptures.  I recommend Psalms and Philippians.  2) If you are in the life of someone who is hurting and in a valley (and I think we all are), you can be a resource of encouragement.  Reach out to the person you love who you know is hurting.  Don’t make the conversation about you…let them talk, you listen.  Pray with that person…if you aren’t comfortable praying out loud, pray in your heart, but let them know you prayed.  Send them a note of encouragement.  Don’t try to fix the issue or compare it to your own story.  When people are hurting, what they need most is a patient ear, a kind heart, and a warm hug. 

To my friends who are reading this, and to those who I may not know who have stumbled across this, I say to you—YOU MATTER, YOU ARE OF GREAT WORTH, YOU HAVE A PURPOSE, and YOU ARE LOVED!!!

Leprechaun in Late Winter, (Magic Tree House series), Mary Pop Osborne, Random House Books 2010.  http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6425120-leprechaun-in-late-winter

Life Application Study Bible—New International Version, Zondervan, 2011.

A Christmastime Ache

My Daddy and Me, Dec. 2000

I absolutely love Christmastime.  However, there is an ache in my heart every Christmas Eve.  Many years ago, my Daddy passed away on Christmas Eve.  To compact the hurt that comes with remembering his passing, my Daddy and I were not on good terms when he died.  Since Christmas is a time of hope, it is my goal to encourage and share hope with those who are hurting this time of year.  It is my heart's desire to challenge those who read this to two things: to forgive those who have hurt you, and to seek help for your hurts.

Growing up, my Daddy worked very hard.  He always had multiple jobs.  I remember that often times we would only see him a little during the week, and mostly on weekends.  Our family was good-sized.  There were my parents and four children.  My youngest brother was born prematurely and had some major medical issues at birth.  As he grew, more medical problems became apparent.  My parents spent a lot of time and money making sure their youngest child had the medical care he needed.  On top of that, my siblings and I were accident-prone and often had our own mishaps that landed us in the emergency room.  That on top of the cost of living was pretty costly.  Therefore, my Daddy worked a lot.

My Daddy knew no strangers.  Everywhere we went, my Daddy already knew people or he was talking to them like friends before we left.  He had a great sense of humor—he loved to make people laugh, and he was proud when my siblings or I would crack a joke.  He made people feel at ease around him.  He was comfortable around the wealthy and the poor.  He wanted every person to feel like they had a friend, even those who struggled to make friends.  I can remember several times we would go make visits to people—we would go to all kinds of houses and meet all kinds of people.  My Daddy would have us recite Scripture we had memorized, sing songs, and sometimes, play the piano.  We were his little performers, and I think that made him proud, too.

My Daddy was very talented.  He had an incredible voice.  He did not have specialty training or schooling to sing.  He was taught by him mother and trained with his brothers when he was growing up.  He could not read music, but he could hear a song, and instantly know the part he needed to sing, which was often tenor but sometimes baritone.  My Daddy introduced me to Rod Stewart on a Beta system he had.  I remember hearing that gravely voice and thinking there was no one else like Rod.  Daddy also loved southern rock.  He had a great record collection, and while most of it was gospel, there were some Three Dog Night and CCR in the mix.  More than any other music genre, my Daddy loved southern gospel.  He was a huge fan of the Gaithers and anyone who sang with them.  In my teen years, every Sunday afternoon after church, a Gaither Homecoming tape would go into the VCR.  My Daddy knew every song; he sang along.  Now, when these tapes were playing, we didn’t all pay attention to every singer and song, but we did have some family favorites.  We all enjoyed Mark Lowry.  But my favorites were the ladies and their BIG hair.  Vestell Goodman, Sue Dodd, and of course, Gloria, would hold my interest.  Every southern gospel group I have ever watched (and there have been hundreds) sing with expressions of such emotion and conviction.  My Daddy had that gift as well.  There were songs he sang that were some people’s favorites.  I remember he was often asked to sing “Beulah Land” at funerals.  Our pastor growing up loved to hear Daddy sing “Broken and Spilled Out”.  But, my favorite to hear him sing was “The Midnight Cry”.  When he would belt out those words, I would feel goosebumps all over and would radiate with pride that this was my Daddy.  He loved to sing about heaven, and I know people loved hearing him sing about it.

Some of my most wonderful memories of me and my Daddy were when we would sing.  Daddy would often be asked to sing at homecomings, festivals, and revivals.  When I reached middle school age, I started going with Daddy to some of the places he would sing that were a little further away than the norm.  I remember driving out to a church in Madison County that had one room, a buck stove for heat, windows and ceiling fans for cooling, no electricity (so they would have their events right after church), and no plumbing.  Oh, the glory of being 11 and learning firsthand what an outhouse is!  As my musical talent was developed—courtesy of piano lessons and chorus classes—Daddy would have me sing a song or two when we would travel.  I was always so worried that I would mess up.  I wanted to badly for my Daddy to be proud of me.  Looking back, I am certain he was; he just wasn’t much for verbalizing it.  However, his face would shine with pride when I finished a song without breaking my voice or crying.  As I got older, I became more confident, and I would get to sing a few more songs in the set.  Music was a great relational component between my Daddy and me…and, I think my siblings could say the same.

My Daddy was also a very skilled craftsman.  Again, with no formal training, my Daddy had taught himself to carve.  In our garage, he had a carving bench where he would often go to work on his creations.  He could take a piece of wood and transform it into something magical.  He loved to carve faces; and what I loved about that was no two carvings were the same.   He would spend hours carving, shaping, and smoothing out the wood until is came alive.  He would often have music playing while he worked, but typically, it was quiet in the garage and all that could be heard was the “scritch-scratch” as the metal tool worked against the wood.  Daddy kept some carvings around our house, but most of them he gave away.  Daddy loved to make people smile; and, if one of his carvings could bring a little happiness, than he was fulfilled. 

My Daddy was a wonderful man.  He was hardworking, hospitable, and extremely talented.  My Daddy was something else, something that we all are…he was fallen.  I fully and completely believe that my Daddy knew Jesus.  I know I can’t truly know the condition of his heart or what his relationship with the Lord was like, but I do have a great hope and solid peace that he loved Jesus and wanted to live for him. 

I tell you so much about my Daddy for you to get a glimpse of who he was in me eyes.  When I was married and left home, I began to learn that my Daddy was very hurt.  He had some struggles that had changed his heart and were weighing him down.  Because of those hurts, his behavior changed completely.  I did what I felt I was being called to do to protect my growing family from the hurt he was suffering from and the hurt he was causing because of his pain.  I blame the enemy for my Daddy's suffering.  I blame my pride for giving up on pursuing a better relationship with my Daddy.  I begged him to get help.  He wouldn't.  My family longed for him to go back to his "old self".  I don't the why or the plan, but God saw fit to take my Daddy from this world on Christmas Eve.

Again, my heart's desire is to challenge you to two things: forgive others who have hurt you, and get help for your hurts.  Forgiveness is freedom.  Even if the person doesn't ask for it or necessarily want it, you can still give it.  You can turn that person over to the Lord in prayer.  When you feel anger or bitterness toward that person rise up, stop and pray...pray for them, pray for yourself.  DO NOT LET ANGER BE LOUDER THAN LOVE!  If you are someone who is struggling with a hurt, habit, or hang-up (terms courtesy of Celebrate Recovery), I encourage you to get help!  Go to a counselor, a pastor, a trusted friend.  Do not take on the burdens of this world alone!  Do not think you are helpless or hopeless.  Giving in to the dark will change your life--you'll lose loved ones, relationships will disappear, the you that you were will go away.  God has a plan for your life.  He can take any situation and work it together for good!  I KNOW!!!  I have a list of sins and hurts I have committed.  And, I found freedom in unloading those on a safe person, in a safe place for the purpose of turning your life around.  If you need suggestions of how and where to get help, please let me know!  I will get you in touch with wonderful people who can walk with you!  Wherever you are in life, whatever struggle you are facing, what ever hurt you are processing, please remember that God loves you, He has a plan for you, and you are not alone!

Christmas List

Christmas 2015, Atlanta

Oh, how I love Christmas!  There's just so much that I enjoy about the season.  In every home I've lived in as an adult, the rooms have been filled with trees, decorations, and music.  We fill every room with Christmas music for two months.  Growing up, Christmastime was always eventful.  We would participate in the Christmas plays at church.  We would go caroling.  We would make crafts to give.  We would drive around looking at lights.  I'm sure we all have special memories and feelings tied with this time of year.  So, today, I thought I would keep the writing simple and share my Christmas list with you...after you read it, think about your answers and share yours!  Merry Christmas!

Christmas 2014, me and Hannah

Favorite Christmas:
1.  Hot Drink--Apple Cider with Cinnamon Sticks
2.  Cold Drink--Peppermint Milkshake from Chick-Fil-A
3.  Treat--Chocolate Covered Oreos
4.  Meal--Christmas breakfast with Chocolate Gravy
5.  Classic Movie (over 25 years old)--White Christmas
6.  "Modern" Classic Movie--Elf
7.  Animated Movie--Mickey's Christmas Carol
8.  Claymation Movie--The Year Without a Santa Claus
9.  Christmas Carol--O, Holy Night
10.  Christmas Song--Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
11.  Giving Tradition--Operation Christmas Child Shoebox
12.  Around Town Tradition--Gingerbread Houses at the Grove Park Inn
13.  Out of Town Tradition--Christmas lights (Mauldin, Bristol Speedway, Charlotte Speedway)
14.  Childhood Memory--Christmas Eve performances in our home...reciting, singing and dancing with my sibling for my parents and grandparents

Christmas 2014, My Fella

15.  Parent Memory--every time my kiddos understand something new about the birth of Jesus Christ
16.  Scent--Peppermint
17.  Outfit--cozy Christmas pjs
18.  Ornament--ALL of them!  Especially the ones made by my kiddos.
19.  Book--Polar Express
20.  Message--HOPE, JOY, PEACE, and LOVE shown through the gift God gave the entire world of His Son Jesus.  The gift of knowing Jesus willingly gave up Heaven to take on life as a human.  The gift of Him willingly giving up His life to take the payment of every sin you or I ever committed.  The gift of knowing that because I choose to follow Him, I have the promise of Heaven!

Merry Christmas, my friends!  Much love to you all!

These Three Remain

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love..." I Corinthians 13:13a.

I Corinthians 13 is a Scripture passage that many of us may know from attending weddings.  This chapter is often referred to as the "love chapter" in the Bible.  It truly is a beautiful piece to read, full of truth, encouragement, conviction, and challenge.  I have read this part of the Bible over and over and over.  I have read it through the romantic perspective...how do I shape up as a wife when it comes to all of these attributes?  I have read it through the eyes of family...how am I using the passage to determine how I am being love to my children, parents and siblings?  This evening, I am processing this passage by thinking of my past and future.

I have been blessed to have had many great role models in my life.  My Grandmama taught me how to clean, cook and garden.  My Mama taught me how to be organized, how to persevere, how to exhibit grace.  My Daddy showed me the power of being hospitable and compassionate.  My Dad has shown me how to be joyful in all circumstances.  I have been under the leadership of incredible pastors and teachers who have poured God's Word into my heart and mind.  I was brought up with three incredible siblings, each blessed with skill sets that motivate and astound me.

There are a few "extra" people who have made deep impacts on my life.  They were not my physical flesh and blood, but they were those who were in my life from day one.  They are still very much a part of my life.  While one has passed away, the other three are still here; and I know no matter what, I could call them with any burden and they would pray for me and with me.  They are my spiritual role models.  When I read the above passage today, "these three remain: faith, hope and love", the names of these powerhouse individuals were brought quickly to my mind.

Aunt Martha, Mama, Daddy, Papa, Me

My "Aunt" Martha is a faith hero.  She was my godmother growing up.  She was around from the day I was born.  She still checks in on me in the midst of the adventures of her life.  She is the largest person of faith whom I know.  She has the sweetest disposition, a sharp wit, and a fantastic way with words.  I have bountiful memories of time with my sweet Aunt Martha.  I remember when I was in seventh grade and had written a speech for English class that my teacher had submitted into a contest.  There was an opportunity to attend an event to give the speech and the chance to win an award.  My Mama went to school at night, my Daddy worked nights, and my Grandmama was taking care of my siblings (who would be less than thrilled to attend a night of middle school speech-giving).  My Aunt Martha was the one who took me.  She picked me up, took me to dinner, and she and I headed to the event.  I remember when I stood up to share my speech feeling confident because Aunt Martha was there.  I know she was praying for me as I spoke.  That night I won second place.  I remember feeling the combination of pride and disappointment.  More than that, I remember Aunt Martha hugging me and telling me that God was going to use me and my words.  As I have grown up and gone through many trials, Aunt Martha is the one I know I can email with all of the details.  I know she will pray over me and the situation.  I know she will point out God's truth through it all.  I know she will remind me that God is sovreign.  She has faced her own trials through life, and through them all, she gives God the glory.  Her faith never seems to waiver.

Tyler, Uncle Chip, Me, Aunt Denise, Timothy

There is a couple in my life who radiate with hope.  My "Uncle" Chip and "Aunt" Denise always seem to remember that no matter the circumstance, God is going to show up and show out.  These two rock stars were also around at the start of my life.  I can remember countless parties, dinners and visits with them.  I remember time spent in their home in Charlotte (which was basically where we went on our family vacations.  They were always so hospitable).  I can remember my Uncle Chip teaching me to drive.  I can remember my Aunt Denise making sure I had the best baby showers.  I remember when I faced medical trials, Uncle Chip would joke with me, and Aunt Denise would feel certain God would bring answers.  When I went through my divorce, they both reached out to me and my ex-husband.  They prayed fervently for reconciliation.  They had hope that our family could be saved.  When they learned the circumstances that would prevent reconciliation, they began to hope and pray for whatever and whomever God had next for me.  I remember sitting in the parking lot of a Firehouse Subs a few years ago and having my Uncle Chip pray over the phone for me, knowing my Aunt Denise was sitting beside him praying quietly.  Anytime they are in town, we do our best to get together.  When I am with them, my hope is recharged.  When I get a text or email checking on my family and me, I am encouraged.  They never act defeated.  They never allowed for me to have an attitude of giving up.  They shared their hope with me; and they continue to lift me up!

My siblings and Aunt Rose

When I think of love, I know I was blessed to have had many years with the personification of love in my dear "Aunt Rose".  Aunt Rose passed away a few years ago.  I miss her greatly.  I still have her phone number embedded in my brain, and there are times when I just want to call her and hear her charming southern drawl.  Aunt Rose oozed love.  She hugged me as soon as I walked through the door.  If I sat beside her, she would hold my hand or pat my arm as we talked.  When we were younger, my brothers, sister and myself looked forward for the days when we knew we were making the drive to Weaverville.  We always had  fun running around the yard, walking to the creek, picking tomatoes in the garden, or climbing the perfect tree in the front yard.  The highlight of any visit was when Aunt Rose would call us into the kitchen to give us whatever delectable delight she had baked.  Everything in her kitchen was made from scratch.  Her red velvet cake would melt the instant it touched the tongue.  Her Christmas fudge was so good that one piece was never enough.  While we would be in the kitchen, Aunt Rose would ask us to share what Bible verse we were learning, to sing a hymn, or to share a Bible story.  She always had a smile on her face...always.  She knew the favorite dessert of everyone in our family, and she would make that dessert for our birthdays.  When my Daddy passed away, I lived in Georgia, and I struggled deeply with anger.  I would call Aunt Rose and she would speak Scripture to me.  Her tone was like music.  No matter what she said, her words were sweet like honey.  I remember her telling me that holding onto anger would damage my heart and eventually my testimony.  Those words stung, because they were true; but they also began a wonderful healing process.  Aunt Rose went through an intense amount of physical pain, especially towards the end of her life.  Even then she would say that she was hurting, but she would also have a way loving me and making me feel better.  When I lived far away, I always wanted to be able to hop into the car and go see her.  Her words were so wise and so loving.  Whenever I think of a spiritual role model, she fits the bill.  She exemplified the love of Christ in the way she loved others.

Anytime I reflect on my past, I make sure to spend some time thinking ahead to my future.  It is my goal to be a person who others rely on spiritually.  I want to purpose my life to be as much like Jesus as I can.  Anyone who knows me knows how far off that mark I am.  I want to train up my children to be those who lead.  I want to be a wife who brings only good to my husband.  I want them to feel that fire inside that the Holy Spirit gives to help lead others to His saving grace.  I want to be the person who gets a prayer request email or phone call and immediately drops to my knees to lift up that need.  I want to be the person who faces Jesus at the end of it all where He says "well done".  It's not enough to want to be like Jesus or to be a spiritual role model.  Like any other goal setting, there needs to be an action plan.  With daily time in God's Word and sharing with Him through prayer, I am taking steps to improve my walk.  I have asked God to stop me the minute when someone asks me to pray--and that whatever else is going on in that moment goes to the back burner so my mind and heart switch to prayer mode.  I am working on developing a more constant state of prayer by talking with the Lord throughout the day.  I am trying to commit more of His Word to my memory.  I am keeping a prayer journal.  I am building a prayer wall.

How about you?  What impact do you want to have on others?  What kind of role model do you want to be?  We all have people looking to us everyday.  Like it or not, we are modeling something for everyone.  What do you want that to be?  What action steps can you make and take to reach your spiritual goals?  Who are some people in your life who inspire you and encourage you to get your spiritual walk in shape?  Do they know what they mean to you?  If not, let them know!  If they do, tell them again.  I am a very blessed girl.  God has been so good to me.  He has made sure that I have been surrounded by strong mentors of faith through every season of my life.  I treasure each relationship and every memory.  What memory will I leave in the minds of the people I love?  What memory will you leave?  Where do you measure up when reading I Corinthians 13?  That passage is great guideline for a spiritual check-up...join me in working on becoming a person who exemplifies faith, hope and love!